Taking a stand against domestic violence? Good. Pretending religious justifications don't exist? Not so good.

Firstly, great that MUIS is actually taking a stand, detailing the different forms of abuse, and stating that divorce is a logical solution to a crappy situation.

Because you know, there is no vendor of Muslim pre-marriage counselling that does. All of them dance around verse 4:34 in the Qur'an, never contesting the hegemonic interpretation and translation of 'daraba'.

They tell you that husbands have the right to discipline their wives, but then embarrassingly temper this obviously vile right with concessions that it can only be done 'lightly', with a miswak twig or a hanky, and with only the intention to 'humiliate' (as if physical abuse > psychological abuse).

And what about all the highly respected ustaz who beat their wives and say it is in the name of Islam? What about all the wives who kept silent because others told them they had to sabr as their husbands knew best? 

It is not 'most disappointing' that abusers use religion to justify abuse, it actually makes sense. Because there is plenty of 'evidence' they can use to justify it.

Emotional abuse in the form of policing of women's behaviour can be justified by appointing men as the head of households and being responsible for the sins of their wives and children. 

Abuse in the form of directly or indirectly coercing women to carry the bulk of household chores (or hiring a Third World woman to do it, while she leaves her own children behind) can be justified by the teaching that she is the 'shepherd of the home' while the man is the 'shepherd of the family'. 

Erasing marital rape can be justified by a hadith about angels cursing a woman till dawn if she doesn't have sex with her husband whenever he wants it.

What about the counsellors at our Syariah Court who indirectly but consistently shame and stigmatise people who seek a divorce? Just because their partners or themselves don't 'womanise, drink, or gamble' it is merely a case of 'differing expectations' and that they can definitely get along?

I'm pretty sure the Prophet was not 'bewildered', he was ashamed when he knew men were beating their wives.

So you can't just erase the entire cultural archive of how Islamic teachings can be used to justify domestic violence by saying 'Islam has never condoned domestic violence'. Are all these merely 'small pockets' when they are taught by our religious leaders themselves? 

Or am I actually talking about another religion?

Mouthpainter shares story of love at first sight (Part 2)

This article was first published on AbleThrive. Read Part 1 here!

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One evening when they were working late in the office of their organisation, the Bandung Independent Living Centre, Indonesian mouthpainter Faisal Rusdi finally confessed his feelings to his childhood crush, Cucu Saidah. He had been keeping his feelings for his colleague and soon-to-be-wife to himself for 24 years.

When asked to describe what he loves most about his wife, he said candidly, “I liked her thick eyebrows. She is beautiful, very intelligent and she loves me.”

A year after dating, they decided to marry. But first, they had to break the news to their parents. “My mother and my family were surprised, overwhelmed and happy,” said Faisal, who is based in Bandung, Indonesia.

However, Cucu’s parents did not like the idea of them being together. “They tried to keep us apart, to the point of keeping her at home,” said Faisal. “I think they considered me severely disabled and unable to take care of myself.”

Through one of her brothers, Faisal tried to communicate to her parents. “My uncle and my family approached her family to ask for her hand many times but we were refused.”

Increasingly stressed and frustrated, Cucu grew distant from Faisal, who struggled to accept the reality of his situation. “But her love for me became stronger, and for me as well. We kept trying, and praying and consulting with many people,” he said.

Eventually, they decided to solemnise the marriage through a legal procedure that overrides the bride’s need for a wali, or guardian – the closest male relative – since her father was against the marriage. Finally, the religious court granted them a wali hakim, or a judicial guardian.

“We still invited her parents and family to the wedding, but not one of them attended. Only my extended family and our friends,” said Faisal.

Faisal and Cucu in traditional wedding outfits from Padang, West Sumatra, enter the accessible reception hall on their power wheelchairs during their wedding in Bandung.

After the wedding, the couple continued to reach out to Cucu’s family and their efforts eventually paid off. “Eight months later on Idul Fitri [a celebration after the fasting month of Ramadan], her parents started to accept us slowly,” he said.

Faisal and Cucu were married on 30th November, 2008 in Bandung. As his parents were originally from Padang, the couple chose to follow West Sumatran customs and traditions for their wedding. Naturally, since both Faisal and Cucu are electric wheelchair users, the event hall and wedding dais were designed to be as accessible as possible.

The wedding was just the start of a relationship with unique challenges, which widens the common but narrow conception that the daily work of marriage only involves two parties. For example, Faisal hires a regular caregiver. “The role of assistants/caregivers who help me in my activities is extremely important, and I do not deny it,” he said.

“An assistant [knows] the technical and ethical aspects of accompanying a person with disabilities. He is a good friend who understands me well, and is part of my life. The presence of an assistant completes my independence.”

While the couple strongly promote a definition of independence from their perspective – that includes the presence of an assistant and not solely the ability “to manage oneself” – they still have to deal with society’s misconceptions of their relationship.

“[People think] that we are not able to manage a household, be physically and financially independent, or not able to have or raise children,” said Faisal.

As for their marriage goals, Faisal and Cucu look towards helping their broader community as well. “Both of us want to own or start an art restaurant or cafe where people can come to not just eat but communicate, educate and advocate about an inclusive community.”

The sustainability of selfless parents

This article originally appeared in the August 2014 Family issue of Aquila Style magazine.

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Why taking care of yourself is the first step to providing good care for your children.

Image: Fotolia

As children, my friends and I would compare our parents to one another. At five years old, I pleaded with my mother to wear skirts like the other mothers of my kindergarten classmates. When I was 14, I car-pooled to school with a neighbour and remember being amazed to learn that her mother – who worked full-time – went for massages regularly.

In comparison, my own mother was a full-time stay-at-home-mum, and we always employed a domestic worker as well. I never remembered her going to a spa or anything similar, even though I’m sure she was pretty stressed out running the logistics of a household, raising three children (one with special needs), and managing a live-in employee virtually by herself (my dad is the hands-off kind of father typical of his generation). I thought she was selfless, always putting others before herself, as mothers should ideally be.

Looking back, I’m not sure why I thought that way about motherhood, other than it was probably because society had normalised it. As a new mother myself, I understand that this model of selfless motherhood was not only unsustainable and unhealthy for me; it was also apt to drive me nuts. So, with the birth of our son six months ago as a turning point for our own household, my husband and I reconfigured our duties and came up with strategies to keep ourselves physically and mentally recharged.

Delegate and take turns

My husband and I consider ourselves co-parents, with our duties pretty evenly divided. While we both work, I have the fortune of working from home. Being able to care for your child while also pursuing your own interests is priceless to me.

There are certain chores that are exclusively mine: breastfeeding is one of them. My husband takes out the garbage and recycling. For all other chores, we take turns.

On Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays I am the “primary parent”, taking responsibility for diaper changes and entertaining the baby when he needs attention. My husband takes this role on Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays. On Fridays – what I consider my “day off” – I get to work undisturbed when my mother-in-law comes to babysit.

Pay someone

Exclusive breastfeeding takes energy. I often joke to my husband that I’ve already prepared 6–8 meals every day. In return, he’s in charge of preparing breakfasts and dinners every day. Both of us work full-time, so we find it affordable to get a cleaner to come every two weeks to do the heavier household work like vacuuming, wiping down surfaces, folding clothes and mopping the floor. It depends on what you consider the more difficult chores – laundry and cooking are easy for us.

My son is also reaching an age when he’s starting to recognise who his primary carers are, so he won’t be okay with an unfamiliar face. I’m lucky that our babysitter is an elderly Indonesian woman – my son probably finds our faces rather similar!

Reconceptualise “we” time

While I love spending time with my son, I think it’s also important to spend time with only my husband. Admittedly, “date nights” don’t happen much because, so far, going everywhere as a family unit is just easier for all of us.

I lucked out with my son being such a good sleeper and having a calm disposition. My husband and I still manage to do many things we used to do as a couple, like watching movies and going to the park. But it’s important to have some time to myself, too.

Find “me” time

While I get several opportunities a week to be by myself for a few hours, I don’t always take all the time off because of the hassle of pumping and storing breast milk for when I’m away. At this point in time, I feel that two hours of exercise a week is the right amount of time for me to recharge physically. I go to Pilates twice a week and a chiropractic adjustment once every few weeks. On some Fridays, I indulge in my biggest treat: spending an hour or two at a neighbourhood cafe with a book and a cup of tea.

Surprisingly, what I relish most about being by myself is that I can cycle to my destination. Even while I was pregnant it was my main mode of transport. (My son can’t join me yet; I still have to wait a few months before he can sit up properly in a bicycle child seat.)

Since becoming a mother I’ve had to let go of my adolescent notions of what it means to be a good parent. Not eating properly, not exercising and feeling stressed can negatively affect my ability to feed, play with and pay attention to my son, all of which ultimately affect our relationship.

I’ve also learned that it’s important to listen to yourself and your child, in order to figure out what works for you both. The individual needs of families vary tremendously, and it won’t be long before it is my son who is comparing me with his friends’ mums.

Image: Fotolia

Watch: Malaysian NGO uncovers 8 misconceptions about polygamy

Where I grew up, polygamy was normalised through the actions, stories and tacit approval of the adults around me. Even though the negative side of having multiple wives were not ignored, there was no struggle for justice either. In retrospect, the apathy surrounding the women who were suffering is astounding.

A Malaysian NGO, Sisters in Islam (SIS), produced a short video illustrating the myths and realities around polygamy in Malaysia. From 2007 to 2012, the NGO carried out in-depth interviews with 63 respondents from polygamous families, on the impact that this marriage institution has in Malaysia. According to the information on their YouTube account:

"SIS hopes that the data gathered from our nationwide research on the impact of polygamy on families will prompt the relevant authorities to re-look and reform current Islamic Family Laws on polygamy in Malaysia."

[transcript below]

#1
People say... Polygamy is the undeniable right of a Muslim man.

In reality... Based on Surah An Nisa (Quran 4:3), polygamy is only allowed in order to protect the property and welfare of orphans whose fathers were killed in war.

#2
People say... Men practise polygamy to fulfill the sunnah (practice) of Prophet Muhammad.

In reality... 70% of husbands surveyed admitted to practising polygamy because of sexual attraction.

#3
People say... Co-wives tolerate polygamy for emotional and material reasons.

In reality... 42% of second wives work overtime to support household expenses.
32% were forced to contribute to expenses of the husband, his first wife and their children.
56% of husbands failed to provide sufficient nafkah (allowance), while some did not provide any allowance at all.

#4
People say... Only men with sufficient wealth practise polygamy.

In reality... Men who cannot afford to practise polygamy still do so.
70% of husbands interviewed earn MYR 3000 (USD 700) monthly or less.

#5
People say... Polygamous men divide their time fairly between their wives and children.

In reality... 50% of husbands do not discuss the distribution of time with their wives. (50% do.)
64% of first wives found that their husbands did not follow the arranged schedule.
42.5% of second wives and 77% of the first wife's children are unhappy with the arrangements.

#6
People say... Children do not mind their fathers being polygamous.

In reality... 87% of children interviewed find that polygamy has negatively affected their psychological wellbeing. Some fathers did not know to which wife a child belonged to. Some did not know the names, ages or birthdays of all of their children!
92% of children oppose polygamy because of their own experiences.

#7
People say... Polygamy brings happiness to husbands.

In reality... Husbands admit they suffer emotional stress due to time constraints, financial burdens and complaints from their wives and children.
47% of husbands work overtime and take on extra jobs.
50% admit that taking turns between houses is exhausting.

#8
People say... Malaysia's sharia family laws are fair in dealing with polygamy and family matters.

In reality... The laws are only ideal in theory; enforcement is extremely weak.
60% of first wives were not summoned to the Shariah Court to give their testimony on their husband's eligibility and capabilities for polygamy, before the judge granted a second marriage.
40% of polygamous marriages took place outside the country, mostly at the Thai border.
32% of those marriages did not register their marriages in Malaysia, thus neglecting the legal rights of the new wife and her children.

The Islamic Family Law Act 1984 states the requirements for a proposed [polygamous] marriage:

1. It must be both appropriate and necessary
2. Husband must be financially capable
3. Husband will treat all co-wives equally
4. It will not cause darar sharie (harm) to the existing wife/wives
5. It will not directly or indirectly lower the standard of living of existing wife/wives

However, the 1984 Act was amended in 1994. Husbands now no longer have to ensure that the standard of living of existing wife/wives remain the same (See #5 above).

In 2005, the 1984 Act was amended again to make polygamy easier for men. The proposed marriage only has to be appropriate OR necessary (See #1 above).

The 1984 requirements must be reinstated and strictly enforced. Polygamy should not bring happiness to only one party. The purpose of marriage is to create happiness between two people who love and feel compassion for one another (Quran 30:21).

And you will never be able to be equal between wives, even if you should strive [to do so]. So do not incline completely and leave another hanging. And if you amend and fear Allah - then indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful. (Quran 4:129)

All data in this video was obtained from 'Impak poligami atas keluarga Muslim di semenanjung Malaysia' (2007-2012) [Impact of polygamy on Muslim families in Malaysia], a research collaboration between SIS and researchers from The National University of Malaysia (UKM), Malaysia Science University (USM) and Malaya University (UM).

How I learned that polygamy is not a big deal.

CW: polygamy, cheating

This is a collection of anecdotes of polygamy among Muslims, and the reactions surround them, told to me by various people. Arranged in no particular order.

A man in his 40s is caught walking around town with a woman who was not his wife. His brother tells him to think about how much his wife has done for him and their children, in an attempt to stop him from straying. He marries the woman anyway. Children are distraught and pretend that the co-wife is a distant relative.

A man in his 60s leaves his recently disabled wife to marry a younger woman, because he "wants to enjoy life while he can". The new woman makes him feel alive, while he says has lost the passion with his wife of 30 years.

A man in his 60s leaves his wife of 25 years and three children. He marries a woman 25 years younger than him. His peer jokingly calls him and his wife 'pengantin baru' (Malay, 'newlyweds') every time he sees them. The ex wife stays with the oldest child.

A man in his 60s has a wife and 8 children. He courts and buys a home for a woman in her 20s. His first wife leaves and stays with one of her children.

A woman is courted to be a second wife. She is plied with religious literature about how it is part of the Prophet's sunnah. Her sisters are against it, but she marries him anyway. Her husband does not fulfil the sunnah of providing financially for her. Instead, he created his own model for polygyny: each wife works to feed herself and her children.

A man with two wives reveals, 17 years later, a third wife from a neighbouring country. And a child, who is now a young adult discovering a full set of half-siblings and distant relatives.

A female convert in her 20s is courted by a man in his 40s with beautiful religious arguments and promises of leading her to Paradise. After a secret marriage, he reveals a first wife and two children. She tries to make herself accept this with Islamic-sounding justifications, but the problem isn't religion, it's deception.

A man serially cheats on his wife for decades, amongst other betrayals. He meets a non Muslim woman, gets her to convert to Islam and marries her (not sure if with or without first wife's knowledge). When she uses this reason to ask the court for a divorce, man defends himself by stating that converting someone to Islam brings a lot of 'pahala' (divine brownie points).

A smart young woman is made to believe she is fast becoming unmarriageable, too educated and too smart mouthed. She marries the first man who loves her for her mind and soul, despite feeling sick to her stomach when thinking about his wife and two children.

A woman discovers her husband's infidelity when the other woman is pregnant. She is mortified and humiliated that he then wants to marry her to save her from shame. Eventually he does not marry her, but this secret gives her a quiet power in the relationship.

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I heard some of these anecdotes as a child, and I felt very strongly that the situation was unjust. Today if I express such sentiments, I am told that my Western education or my feminist books are to blame. Good question: Was I secretly reading Western feminist books as a child?

Why are the feelings of the women and children involved seemed insignificant or completely invalid? It may hurt the feelings of human beings I once promised to love but whatever, I'm just looking for new thrills for my penis.

Why is there no legal redress for women of a certain generation, who often did not work (whether from social expectations or economic possibilities) outside the home, and may have been mostly or completely financially dependent on their husbands?

I thought about how it is impossible to turn someone's heart away from you. Just as impossible is to turn someone's heart towards you.

Most recently someone asked me what advice she should give a friend. This friend'a husband was planning to divorce her for another woman. I thought long and hard, and eventually decided that if you're going to end up in an emotionally shitty situation, make sure you get enough money to soften the blow.

In the end, that's why legal protection is so important. Every person entering a marriage must research this and make the best possible decision for themselves. Be it pre-nups, joint bank accounts, joint tenancy, etc. No sense in adding financial hardship to an already difficult mess.

How I learned that sexual abuse was not a big deal.

TW: sexual abuse, rape

This is a collection of anecdotes of sexual abuse among Muslims, and the reactions surround them, as told to me by various people. Arranged in no particular order.
A young girl was raped by a parent for many years. She continually receives the advice to be kind to her parents, with no regard for her suffering.

A young man's father molested his sister many years ago. He shows me the room where it took place. Life goes on as if nothing had happened.

A girl was molested by a boy in a stairwell when she was 5 years old. Only able to articulate what happened 4 years later, her parents are silent for a moment when she tells them and talk about something else instead, as if she said nothing.

A man who raped a young woman wants to ask her parents if he can marry her. He uses the rape as blackmail and her parents are afraid for the family's reputation.

A religious teacher known by the title of ustaz is caught molesting his young female students.

Another ustaz is caught for raping his two daughters, because he thinks he is allowed to have sex with "those that your right hands possess". People can hardly stand to be tough to this elderly, bearded and apparently all-knowing man.

A young woman's husband forces himself on her several times a day. She tries to be a good wife and uses lube to make sex less painful. Rape hurts, and marital rape hurts double.

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Where is the outrage? Why is everyone so timid about taking action? Why are the jurists silent and complicit?

With whiteness comes erasure.

I wish I could remember who wrote this. I would thank her or him profusely because when I read this, it resonated deeply with me. It was an articulation of feelings I had not been able to grasp; uncomfortable sentiments felt too often and so left no space for me to rationalise them away.

It's about being Brown and with someone White that renders you the Other. It's about White people universalising and imposing their life experiences in the 'noble' pursuit of assimilation and/or integration, so you never get to own and own and have pride in your childhood, your celebrations, your proverbs and your norms or traditions.

It's about having White people reiterating and reminding you of the 'freedom' they experience and that you are supposedly able to enjoy in their country. (They forget about anti-Brown or Black microaggressions, racism and violence, because they can't universalise something they don't experience).

It's about having a hybrid child who is part White and part Brown (never mind that he is descended more of Brown than White). A child who is seen to be a rich White charge when with his Brown mother and a poor saved Brown adoptee when with his White father.

It's about White people worrying that your child will not learn his White language if he goes to your country. Never mind that they never worried he wouldn't learn his Brown language in their country.

It's about having White people worry that your child will not be 'raised properly' amongst your Brown people. Perhaps too conservative or traditional or religious or backward or primitive or savage -- their worry has been the same for hundreds of years.

Only fertile women are marriageable, she said.

At a lecture I recently went to, the female speaker - a well-known and well-loved Arab woman with a charming accent and persona - bluntly said that men should not marry women who could not have children. She cited a hadith to back up her argument.

Hadith hurling aside, I couldn't believe that there wasn't a peep of protest when she said that. (I was shaking my head, not approving of this at all, and was ready to fall out of my chair.) Her statement sounded so fleeting and inconsequential, as if it was just another day that we could decide who deserved to be loved and who didn't.

We were taught that marriage is "half of your deen": unions between two compatible and loving people has such a big impact on how we are able to practise other aspects our religion. I've written previously about how meeting a married couple with cerebral palsy changed my idea of marriage. That while we are so caught up in our social norms of what marriage should look like (with this much money, between people of such status, that they MUST have children, that it should last forever), meanwhile there are couples who quietly defy these expectations.

Besides the tiny details of the existence of male infertility, or how a man would know his future wife is infertile, or questioning the diagnosis of fertility itself, I think it was extremely pompous of the speaker to suggest that "infertile" women are not marriageable.

Conception, pregnancy and childbirth are not exact sciences. There are many things that modern obstetrics and gynaecology don't know about or don't want to acknowledge, seeing that it's a relatively recent science dominated by white men (as almost every form of Western knowledge is). For me as a Muslim mother, and going by my first-time experiences, there are also many things that I leave to God.

Allah knows what every female carries and what the wombs lose [prematurely] or exceed. And everything with Him is by due measure. (13:8)

That's my favourite Qur'anic verse pertaining to pregnancy, that a doula friend introduced to me. She used this verse to explain that from an Islamic point of view, unnecessary medical induction (which is often done as a matter of convenience for the OB's schedule, and which often ends in a Caesarian surgery) indicated a lack of knowledge or faith in God.

But apparently it's easy to be so black-and-white when it comes to deciding which women are marriageable and which are not.

Breaking up with the good wife

I only went because I was craving a sense of Islamic community again.

It's been almost five years of a patchy but still lovely period of deep connections with other souls because we deeply shared something and not just a label: Muslim.

Things started out great and maybe because I was riding on a tidal wave of hope from the topic of your talk. I'm a first time mum; who wouldn't want to learn how to raise children who have love in their hearts for God too?

Why did you have to start on with terribly narrow minded ideas about the kinds of partners we can have? That it's totally okay to marry a woman for her wealth, family, beauty or deen. Pick the one with deen but no one would fault you, random man, if you just wanted to marry a pretty little thing. Or a rich little thing.

Why did you reduce us to our wombs, the only organ in the human body that shares a name with the Merciful? That a woman who cannot bear children must unequivocally unmarried because a man isn't allowed to marry her because the purpose of marriage is to produce children, full stop?

Why must women do it all: bear babies, nurse babies, wake up at night for their babies, wash their husband's clothes with the easy breezy washing machine and make sure she's perfumed and put together when he gets home? God forbid she ever complains about household chores because don't you know Fatima had to walk miles under the hot sun for water and scrub her husband's clothes by hand? Today's working mum can only have it all if she has a domestic worker who often has left her own children so she can earn a living taking care of yours. Is it only the superhuman women or the rich women that enter heaven?

You broke my heart. And so I won't be coming back anytime soon.

10 telltale signs you’re most probably a Muslim mother

1. You have a book of foolproof baby names.
The Qur’an contains about 30 names for boys, suitable for any parents or in-laws from an Abrahamic faith. There’s only one ready name for a girl, though, so maybe you can consult a book on Islamic history for more ideas.

2. Your healthcare professional is wondering why you’re whispering into your newborn’s ear.
It’s called the adhan, and if you’re lucky you’ll get to hold your newborn babe as soon as he/she is born and let your voice be the first thing he/she hears.

3. You say “alhamdulilah” probably 50 times a day.
If this comes involuntarily out of your mouth every time someone burps, farts or sneezes, then you’ll be doing a lot of this with a baby or several children around.

4. You are expected to put something sweet on your baby’s mouth, make them bald, and sacrifice an animal.
One tradition called tahnik involves placing dates or honey on the lips of a baby within the first seven days of life. Another tradition involves shaving hair of a baby (or the alternative: snip off just seven hairs) after 40 days, weigh it and donate an equivalent amount of gold to charity. Yet another called aqiqa calls for the slaughter of a goat or cow to express gratitude for the birth.

5. Piggy plush toys are a source of discussion.
Imagine this: a well-meaning non-Muslim colleague gives a friendly, furry, stuffed toy pig as a present. You actually have a conversation (with yourself or someone else) about whether it’s okay for your kid to play with it. If you decide it’s okay, you might still have to deal with other Muslims telling you that your child shouldn’t put the toy in his mouth.

6. A discussion about whether it’s okay to let your children see you naked must include fiqh and not just revolve around issues of body-image and self-esteem.
One mother wrote on the internet about how she lets her sons see her real post-baby body so that they grow up with realistic images about women’s bodies, instead of thinking that the airbrushed photos in magazines are real women. I figure that someone that has seen your insides can probably see your outsides without being too shocked. Besides, a discussion about which parts of the mother’s body is visually off limits to her son is way too Oedipal for me.

7. “It’s sunnah” becomes your stock answer for extended breastfeeding.
Even though a minimum of two years of breastfeeding is recommended by the World Health organisation, many in our parents’ generation who were influenced by the aggressive marketing of infant formula companies may try to stop you from breastfeeding your child beyond six months, or up to several years. Luckily if you’re Muslim, you can always say the Qur’an indicates 30 months for pregnancy and breastfeeding (46:15).

8. You have to deal with equal numbers of people telling you that you can or cannot fast while breastfeeding.
Opinions are pretty divided about whether a pregnant and/or breastfeeding mother should or shouldn’t be breastfeeding in Ramadan. Luckily, whether you fast or not is only up to you and your baby. Just listen to your body.

9. You worry that your kid gets ham sandwiches at the day care.
If you live in a non-predominantly Muslim community or country, a ham and cheese sandwich is a totally normal snack. Be sure you let your caregivers know what your child should eat – or pack it along when you drop her off.

10. You feel simultaneously terrified and hopeful about Islamophobia.
Parenting can be the most joyful and the most scary experience of your life. From the moment your children are born, your greatest fear will be losing them. While being Muslim after 9/11 has not been easy, you’re hopeful that your children will be the ones to change the world for the better.

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This article was originally published on Aquila Style

Why you should talk about sex before marriage.

It’s time to clear the air and shame in our communities about sex education, sexual rights and chastity. By Sya Taha.

The shame that surrounds sex in the Muslim circles I’ve encountered sometimes makes me think that talking about it is equivalent to the act itself. (Well, guess what – I’m going to open my mouth-vagina anyway.)

Sex and intimacy between Muslim couples is often a topic that is saved for the marital covers – with lots of nervous giggles (often coming from all parties including my middle-aged premarital counsellor). Couples may find this difficult and embarrassing to talk about, even if they find it necessary.

Much of this comes from the expectation that our spouses should be virgins, with zero experiences of sex or even affection like holding hands or hugging members of the opposite sex (also known as “halal dating”). But somehow, the moment we are pronounced man and wife, we’re expected to go from zero to sixty in as many seconds. Foreplay – that’s like, kissing, right?

The reality is that many young Muslims are having all sorts of sexual experiences. Even the definition of that is highly subjective. An Indonesian friend who interviewed several young Muslims about their sexual experiences found that some of them did not consider oral sex or intimacy with members of the same sex to be “sex” per se. Meanwhile, the obsession for abstinence-only sex education and the strict definition on virginity as the absence of penis-vagina intercourse means that some Muslims are engaging in anal sex, and without the knowledge and tools to keep themselves safe.

Before getting married, it’s worth discussing with your partner if he/she is a virgin or that he/she has previous sexual experiences. There’s no shame if both of you want to marry only strict virgins, or that both of you are fine if one of you has had experience. The point is, both of you have to be okay with it. If you want to remain a virgin while your partner has experience, then great. But if you know a thing or two but expect your partner to be totally innocent and clueless, then you might want to evaluate your expectations. Likewise if you feel you have to hide your “past” from your partner.

I once had a Muslim friend tell me that sex education was not necessary: women can learn from their husbands on their wedding day. When I asked her where the young men would have to learn about sex from, she was silent but we both knew the answer: pornography. Needless to say, I think this double standard is highly damaging to both husband and wife.

Pornography is highly staged and doesn’t reflect the real-life spectrum of sexual acts and experiences. Trying out porn moves on your wedding night is not the way you want to empower your marriage. Unless you seek out specifically feminist pornography, much of what you can find on the internet also focuses mostly on male pleasure and universalises ideas about what men and women like. Everyone is different and likes different things – it’s a lot better to get what you want and give what your partner wants.

There’s a dark side to talking about sex, too. Unfortunately, in many of our societies, any kind of sex-related act is seen as the ultimate lack of piety – including rape. This happened to a Muslim friend. She was raped by a then-suitor. The guy then insisted on marrying her, threatening to shame her as a “loose woman” if she refused to marry him. Eventually the threat of marring her family’s name overwhelmed her and she ended up marrying him. (Predictably – and thankfully – she is filing for divorce.)

Recently, I read a blog post written by a young (married) Muslim woman that talked about what to do if one wasn’t a virgin, without unpacking the concept of virginity or chastity. Predictably, she said we had to make lots of du’a, but what I found more distressing was that she conflated rape and consensual sex as being unlawful sexual acts in the eyes of God.

Rape can happen to anyone because it’s the rapist’s fault – hijab or no hijab, halal dating or not. Rape is an unspeakable crime and it’s not something for the victim to be ashamed about. There are many Muslims who see a previous sexual assault as a loss of virginity and carry the shame with it into their marriage. (These issues must be worked through with a licensed therapist.) But virginity and chastity are two different things.

Sex, on the other hand, should be consensual. More than that, it should be wildly enthusiastic. With this in mind, rape can also happen within a marriage – though many may think otherwise. Marital rape is when you do not consent to sexual intercourse. As a partnership of mercy and affection (30:21), marriage should be a safe space for mutual love, pleasure and respect, not for one party to mindlessly demand rights from the other, or to unquestioningly do something they don’t really want to, in the name of obligation.

Testing for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) is also important. I can’t stress this enough, as it’s part of the things to consider before you commit to each other. You don’t want to be surprised with symptoms a few weeks after your wedding. We often think to test for major diseases like HIV/AIDS, but others like syphilis can be non-deadly but equally damaging (or at the very least, annoying). If one of you does have an STD, you will have to think about what you will do – would you treat it first and then marry? Or is it a deal-breaker? For common and incurable STDs like human papilloma virus (HPV), will you agree to use condoms and dental dams for the rest of your life, or are you okay with contracting it and learning to keep the virus under control?

Sure, the conversation is going to be uncomfortable at first. Many of us are not used to even using the proper words for our genitals (personally, in my native language, the words feel obscene and vulgar; proper texts use the Arabic equivalents instead). Many of us might grow up with shame around masturbation, which means that we may not know what feels good for us.

But at the risk of sounding cliche, communication is the most important tool. So starting slow and experimenting with different positions, places, props and moods can be a wonderful time for practising your sexual communication skills in your marriage. Open and matter-of-fact communication can also help in times of stress or bad health, as a rejection of sex doesn’t have to leave you feeling hurt. If you like wildly different things, communication means that you can find a compromise or a middle way.

The good news is that sex gets better the more you can talk to your partner about it, especially if you can let each other know what you’re enthusiastic about and can appreciate what your partner likes. Safe and healthy sex gets better with time. Have fun!


This post was originally published at Aquila Style

Tips to Keep Your Husband Happy

I'm back! And I haven't seen such a misogynist, egotistical and male-serving piece of marriage advice in such a long time. I can't make this crazy oppressive stuff up (original Malay text below, from here).

1. When your husband is speaking, keep quiet and listen to him, and don't interrupt or cut him off. Ever heard of conversation? 
2. When your husband is angry,  keep quiet and don't answer back. If you like to answer back, make your point or strengthen your argument, you will make your husband even angrier. Don't be surprised if your husband leaves the house for days, or doesn't want to talk to you as a form of penalty for your wifely stubbornness. Oh but I am surprised! However, if he comes home don't continue or repeat the old issues. Welcome him with a loving smile and immediately ask for forgiveness. I think if or when he comes home it's my turn to leave. Don't wait for a husband to apologise to a wife, because this kills his ego as a man. That's the point of apology though, right?
3. Sometimes a husband likes to tease his wife on purpose. If he hurts your feelings you have to be patient, and don't sulk. But if you hurt his feelings the sky is falling! See #1. Sulking is an immature and childish reaction. Let us observe the behaviour of children, they will quickly shout if something is wrong, especially if it's their own mother telling them off. They will stamp their feet and shout their lungs out to get sympathy from their mother. Um, I'm not sure how this is such a great analogy. 
4. If his nails, moustache or beard is long then don't hesitate to cut it (if the beard is longer than a fistful). You mean, ask him to cut it, right? Do I have to cut it myself? They don't call it 'personal hygiene' for nothing. I thought we weren't supposed to be like children? See #3. Choose the best days like Monday, Thursday and Friday.
5. If he wants something then the wife should quickly respond. Get up immediately when he calls you. Don't delay his demands so that you will not make him angry or hurt. Are we in bootcamp or what? 
6. You should cook according to your husband's preferences, not your own. If he likes to eat curry or really spicy coconut curry, then don't cook sweet and sour fish or fried fish. How about really spicy fried fish curry? That's called compromise. He will be happy when his appetite is satisfied. Don't take it out on the fish by smashing it as a way to take out your anger on your husband, who wants food cooked his way while you don't like these dishes. I told you I couldn't make this up.
7. If his clothes are torn or has a missing button, quickly fix it. Sew it as beautifully as you can so that the clothing looks neat and pretty. Don't take this lightheartedly because the stitching symbolises a wife's personality and intention - whether she was sincere or forced herself. Even sewing has symbolic significance now? I thought it symbolised a withdrawal from the capitalist economy and the support of sweatshops in China and Bangladesh. All husbands would be proud if their clothes were sewn by hand by the delicate fingers of his wife. At least this can help save on household costs. I'd save more money if he had less clothes. Or if he didn't live in this house!

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Petua Melayan Suami

1. Semasa suami bercakap hendaklah isteri diam mendengarnya dan jangan suka menyampuk atau memotong cakapnya.

2. Bila suami marah hendaklah isteri mendiamkan diri,jangan suka menjawab. Sikap suka menjawab, bertekak dan... menegakkan kebenaran sendiri akan menambahkan lagi kemarahan suami. Jangan terkejut jika suami angkat kaki meninggalkan rumah berhari-hari atau tidak mahu bertegur sapa dengan anda sebagai denda di atas kedegilan anda sebagai isteri. Sebaliknya, kalau suami kembali ke rumah jangan disambung atau diulang-ulangi cerita lama. Sambutlah suami dengan senyuman kasih sayang dan bersegeralah meminta maaf. Jangan kita tunggu suami meminta maaf dengan isteri, jatuhlah martabat keegoannya selaku seorang lelaki.

3. Kadang-kadang si suami sengaja suka mengusik isterinya. Bila dia menyakiti hati isteri hendaklah banyak bersabar, jangan cepat merajuk. Merajuk adalah sifat orang yang tidak matang dan seperti perangai keanak-anakan. Cuba kita perhatikan perangai kanak-kanak, mereka akan cepat menjerit bila ada sesuatu yang tidak kena tambahan pula kalau yang menegurnya itu ibunya sendiri. Sengaja dihentak-hentakkan kaki meraung sekuat hati meminta simpati dari ibunya.

4. Bila kuku, misai dan janggutnya panjang hendaklah segera dipotongkan (jika panjang janggutnya lebih dari segenggam). Pilihlah hari-hari yang terbaik iaitu hari Isnin, Khamis dan Jumaat.

5. Jika dia berhajat sesuatu hendaklah isteri cepat bertindak. Bangun segera bila disuruh. Jangan melengah-lengahkan kemahuannya supaya tidak mencetuskan kemarahan atau rasa tersinggung di hatinya. Jangan isteri buat acuh tak acuh, hatinya akan kecewa dan menandakan isteri sudah tidak taat padanya.

6. Hendaklah memasak mengikut kesukaan suami bukannya ikut selera isteri. Kalau suami suka makan gulai kari atau masak lemak cili api, janganlah kita masak lauk asam pedas atau ikan goreng. Suami akan gembira bila seleranya ditepati. Janganlah pula ikan yang menjadi mangsa, diketuk lengkang-lengkung hingga hancur kerana meradangkan sikap suami yang mahu lauk tersebut dimasak mengikut seleranya sedangkan isteri tidak menggemarinya.

7. Apabila pakaian suami koyak atau tercabut butangnya hendaklah segera dijahit. Jahitlah dengan secantik yang boleh supaya pakaian itu kelihatan kemas dan cantik. Jangan dibuat sambil lewa kerana jahitan tersebut akan melambangkan peribadi isteri samada ikhlas atau terpaksa. Semua suami akan berasa bangga jika pakaiannya dijahit sendiri oleh jari-jemari halus isterinya, sekurang-kurangnya dapat menampung ekonomi rumahtangga.

Boccia: Assisting precision

This post first appeared on Poskod.sg on 22 Jun 2013.
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Two years ago, I came back from a school trip to my sister announcing, “You can be my sports assistant? [Our domestic worker] Yuli cannot get a visa.”

I said yes, because it was almost impossible to find someone else who could leave with just two weeks’ notice. I had just graduated and had four months before leaving for further studies. I also had the privilege of a passport that allowed me to travel freely to Europe without being suspected of having links to terrorism, or intentions of overstaying for undocumented work. Before we went to the Boccia World Championships 2010 in Lisbon, Portugal, I had two weeks to learn the skills of being a boccia assistant.

The only catch: I had never seen my sister play boccia, and I had no clue about the game and what I would have to do.

I thought it would be easy; all I had to do was run around and pick up stray balls. Assemble and take apart her equipment. But what about her personal care: showering, getting dressed, preparing her food, packing her things? It had usually been our mother, and more recently our domestic worker who were almost wholly responsible for these tasks.

I only knew how to take out her books or pencil box when we were in Sunday school together, tap her EZ-link card when we took the bus or MRT together, or find wheel-chair friendly routes or entrances into cinemas.

Game of balls

Boccia is a target game played in mixed-gender singles or in teams (pairs or threes). The aim is to get the most number of your own blue or red balls closest to the white target ball, known as the jack. Each ball that is closer to the jack than the next closest ball of the opponent, at the end of four rounds, determines the number of points and thus the winner.

There are four categories for the game, with the first two reserved for athletes with cerebral palsy. The last two categories are reserved for athletes with a variety of conditions that result in limited control of their upper bodies, such as muscular dystrophy or spinal muscular atrophy. Before each competition, athletes are classified into one of the four categories based on their ability to throw or catch the hand-sized, soft, leather balls.
My sister falls into the third category called BC3, where athletes are allowed to use assistive devices such as ramps to roll the ball from various heights and angles, and head or mouth pointers to hold the ball. As an assistant, I was allowed to handle her ramp and balls during the game, although I had to strictly keep my back to the court, keep my eyes away from the play, ensure I was within the 2.5m x 1m playing box, and not talk or communicate to her during the game.

I had mixed feelings about waiting so long in between plays. On one hand, there was only so much I could see of the other games happening behind our court with a wheelchair in my way; on the other, continuous plays from the other team meant that our opponents were unable to get their ball any closer to the jack than my sister’s ball – she was winning! (At least, in that round.)

I amused myself by watching the game going on in the opposite court, looking at the linesman who penalises players whose wheels or devices are out of the box during their turn, or observing how the opponent sets up his devices and releases his ball.

Caregiving

While I had helped carry my sister to and from her chair, bed, and shower, it had always been with my mother or helper. I had never done it with anyone else, and I had certainly not been left to do everything else myself. When packing various clothes and personal items, I was confident that with my light-travel skills, we would be able to fit everything into one suitcase.

I was so wrong. There were so many items indispensable to her personal and psychological comfort as a para-athlete. Part of sports psychology called for reproducing her daily routine as much as possible in a new environment. This included the same types of soap, shampoo, deodorant, talcum powder and toothpaste; the same cereal drink for breakfast and daily vitamins (and sometimes the contraceptive pill to prevent the hassle of menstruation when traveling). There were bed liners and emergency diapers for the plane ride, in case we didn’t have enough time during the stopover for a toilet break (using the tiny plane toilet was impossible). We also packed lightweight cutlery that she could lift, and a pack of straws for drinks.

After a full day of being with her, I still had to get up once or twice during the night to turn her in bed (to prevent bedsores). Together our morning routine took almost two hours, and we had to factor in that time when getting up for breakfast and early practice. Exhausting!

Most of us go about our daily activities without even thinking about how we brush our teeth or put on our clothes. But for many para-athletes, they need assistance with every little part of their bodies’ actions – some even need constant towels because they cannot swallow their own saliva.

Competition

When we arrived at the competition hall, there was the business of unpacking the athletes’ ramps, which had been carefully disassembled and packed in bubble wrap. Weighing about five kilos, the ramp had to be stabilised with a five more kilos of hand weights during play. Her ramp had two additional pieces to make it longer, when needed to push the ball to almost nine metres away. These pieces were removed each time she took aim, and attached only during play.

My sister tells me to shift or turn the ramp left or right, forwards or backwards, “a little bit” or “a lot”. Then I pick up the ball she chooses and I place it along the ramp. She is the final one to touch the ball, and she releases it accordingly. Then, I adjust the ramp (turn it left and right to change its position from the last throw) and wait for her next instruction.

Competitions were always friendly, and I got to meet different kinds of athlete-assistant pairings: child-father, brother-sister, husband-wife (but no wife-husband yet), athlete-coach. For some countries with well-developed disability institutions: hired assistants paid per day. I was especially intrigued by a married couple who both had cerebral palsy. While the man had more mobility than the wife, both required a significant amount of help from a third party – reconceptualising the idea of marriage for me.

Communication

For those who do not personally know anyone with disabilities, the media is often the biggest influence. For example, television sitcoms that feature a mentally-challenged person usually feature an actor who imitates the spasms and movements similar to cerebral palsy. However, many people with this condition are highly functional and can pursue higher education, with the right facilities. Unfortunately, many people tend to assume that someone with physical disabilities also has mental ones.

I had never met anyone with cerebral palsy before helping out with boccia, and I was never aware of how much this condition could vary. For example, while the other athlete on our team could speak (and so often apologised if she hit us accidentally during her involuntary spasms), many others used customised sign language.

I communicated with one Colombian player for the first time on Facebook chat – he used discreet sign language with his coach, but he could type on a special keyboard (our communication barrier then shifted to my limited proficiency in Spanish). I also met a young man from the United States who drove his chair with the help of sensors around his headrest.

Connections

Since my first initiation into the world of boccia and caregiving, I’ve assisted my sister in two more international competitions in Belfast and Porto. It is heartwarming to see the same coaches, caregivers, and assistants with the same athletes, time after time.

For someone who uses her body and mind as creative expressions and doesn’t think twice about controlling locomotor movements, spending time with my sister as her assistant makes me realise that while I cannot live her life, I could very well do with understanding and remembering this.

More advice for husbands, by a man.

Aren't these such total gems? The source is a male motivational speaker from Malaysia, who has organised camps for young women such as GADIS (Girls’ Awareness Development & Inspirational Series, the acronym also means 'young lady')  to teach them a balance between ideal femininity and practical skills:-

• Knowledge on women's rights
• Image, appearance and etiquette
• Technology and entrepreneurship
• Self-defense
• Women's biology, hormone and diet

Somehow this collection of advice (I don't know who compiled them, or in what context) for Malay husbands seem to be really popular.
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By Mohd Fadzilah Kamsah

1. Always value your wife's efforts, especially if she is working and forced to bear your debts. Yes, of course. Wait, what? 
2. When your wife is speaking, look and listen to her. Let her words be stuck in your brain. Process her information intelligently and attentively. At least he didn't say 'pretend' to listen to her.
3. Don't ever compare her cooking or house decoration skills with your mother, except if she is better than your mother. Er, best to avoid all such comparison. Doesn't the Quran say that one of the curses of the time was to call your wife your mother?
4. Don't demand sex if your wife is tired or not in the mood. Religion doesn't say marriage is only to fulfil your carnal desires. Said no male religious teacher ever! Although I think this should be a compulsory sentence in all Muslim marital guidance courses.
5. If you have children, both of you should take care of them. The seed is also from you. Don't ask your wife, if she's eating, to bring the child to the toilet and clean it up, while you sit back with your tummy full like a king. Thanks for highlighting the obvious to the obtuse men among you. I know, it's an amazing ego boost to have your name on your child's birth certificate, but don't let that stop you.
6. Don't be resting in front of the TV or relaxing while your wife, when arriving home, immediately takes off her shoes and enters the kitchen -- cooking, cleaning, washing, chasing after kids, and so on. Wives are sad when we are overwhelmed with household tasks while husbands do nothing. And we are also sad when you don't want to help but want to hire a domestic worker instead!
7. If you eat before her, leave her some dishes. Don't eat everything and only leave her a sliver of fish tail, the squid's tentacles, and the ends of the beansprouts. I would stay far away from such a man.
8. If you want to invite friends over, tell your wife first, preferably a day or two in advance. So she can cook the best food and clean up the house. Imagine your wife's feelings if guests come over when the laundry is still unfolded, the children's toys are strewn around, and she only cooks instant noodles. Um, I really thought this was going another way.
9. Don't ever comment on your wife's weight, whether she is getting bigger or thinner. Look at your own body first. Being a condescending hot bod is also not much better.
10. Don't fart in front of your wife. You were able to control yourself when you were courting, right? Again, the point is whether either party is offended. Me, I am thankful to have someone who doesn't mind.
11. Respect your wife's parents and relatives, even if you are pretending. Don't ever insult them, even in jest. Sigh, see 2.
12. Don't be stingy with your wife and with household needs. Yeah or else she'll throw "qawwamun" in your face.
13. Maintain your dignity as a husband and as a man. As much as possible, don't burden your wife with your financial problems. Usually, the more 'stubborn' you are in not asking help from your wife, the more she will be willing to help. Honesty vs. masculine ideals?
14. Don't be messy and dirty. Put your clothes in the laundry hamper, throw away your toothpicks after using them, screw the cap back on the toothpaste, put back things where you found them, flush after you go to the toilet. Is it so difficult? Do you have to be taught everything? My sentiments exactly! But let's not be condescending to men if you don't want them to learn it from you.
15. Be diligent in asking your wife if she needs your help with the housework or with the children. But don't ask her once in two years. Don't pretend to be hardworking only when there are guests. Interesting, I wonder if he has empirical evidence?
16. Respect your wife as you would want to be respected. She is a human being too. Allah gives many special qualities to wives but interpretations have been twisted by men for their own selfish needs. Oh my, thanks for reminding us that we are indeed human! Kudos to the second part, could you send a memo to the male religious teachers?
17. Don't flirt with other women. Don't fool around either. If your wife does it, for sure you can't tolerate it, so why should your wife tolerate it if you do? Add a note on polygamy to that memo too.
18. If you don't like a part of your wife's personality or behaviour, tell her kindly, don't shout. If you are sick and dying, who will take care of you? The baker? The grocer? Your neighbour? Well let's not make it all about your self-interest, again.
19. If your wife doesn't look well, quickly bring her to the doctor. Do show that you care about her. Yes I would hope so! T_T
20. Discuss with your wife before making a decision. Even though the husband has veto power, it doesn't make you a sissy to take your wife's opinions into consideration. The important thing is to be sensitive and mutually appreciative. Try to put aside excessive ego. It's not like it has any value when you are dead. While you try to not be sexist, don't be homophobic. 
21. Learn about religion and guide your children and wife sincerely, as how the religion asks of you. Remember, if a husband goes to heaven, his wife is likely to go to heaven. If a husband goes to hell, his wife does not necessarily go to hell. If a wife goes to hell, her husband is likely to also go to hell, but if a wife goes to heaven, it doesn't mean that her husband will go to heaven too. I didn't make this up but I heard from a (male) religious teacher. Hey, I thought you weren't in cahoots with the male religious teachers?
22. Try your best to maintain household harmony. Don't do something if your wife doesn't like it. Believe me, if a husband does good with his wife, his wife will repay him ten-fold. Sigh, see 18.
23. Don't ignore your wife if she is sulking or his hurt. If you need to apologise, apologise. If she needs to be persuaded to stop sulking, do it. A woman's heart is sensitive. If we feel that our husbands don't care, it cuts deep. Husbands may see something as trivial but it can be like a cancer to wives. To husbands and men in general, don't trivialise emotional problems and women's feelings. Yeah, let's not make sulking and persuading a routine part of Malay communication. But kudos for constructing women as emotional beings and men as rational, you belong to the Renaissance.

And Allah s.w.t. said “And Allah knows what is in your heart, so beware of Allah." (2:235)
In other words, do good 'cos Big Brother's watching. 

This is the crap that passes for marriage advice these days. I concede that this is better than most, but it just reminds me why I would rather walk on coals than listen to such advice, especially the religious kind found in  these marital guidance courses.

"And you belong to him": Male guardianship in The Sound of Music.

Over the Easter weekend, we went to Salzburg, Austria (and its surroundings) for a few days. I didn't realise that this city was the setting for the film 'The Sound of Music'! Having only learnt its songs and watched bits of it when I was young, I was so excited to watch the entire film in the hostel (which screens it every night without fail).

Being single makes you happy! Source.

The storyline is great: Maria, a trainee nun, is sent on 'God's errand' to be a governess to the 7 children of a naval captain. Along the way she falls in love with him, and (predictably) marries him.  Watching the full film after having studied sociology and gender studies (curses --  these have spoiled my joy of films!), I was amazed at the amount of gendering going on. But I guess the film was not meant to be otherwise.

Besides the dichotomy of young, virgin, innocent Maria and the charming, dark, manipulative Baroness, I was most disturbed by this song that Maria sings with Liesl, the eldest von Trapp daughter:

Where Maria suddenly forgets she belongs to God

[Maria:]
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Waiting for life to start
Somebody kind who touches your mind
Will suddenly touch your heart

[Liesl:]
When that happens, after it happens
Nothing is quite the same
Somehow I know I'll jump up and go
If ever he calls my name

[Maria:]
Gone are your old ideas of life
The old ideas grow dim
Lo and behold you're someone's wife
And you belong to him

 You may think this kind of adventure
Never may come to you
Darling sixteen going on seventeen
Wait a year...or two

 What! This coming from a nun, who previously thought that loving a man would mean loving God less. Suddenly when she gets married she loses all those spiritual ideas and says that she belongs to a man?

What I liked about that period was that being a nun was a legit way of living life as a single woman. Granted, you were subject to lots of rules, but you could still live by yourself and be considered more spiritual than the average person. (The béguinages in the Low Countries in the 13th century were another legit way for women to live by themselves, without the rules of a spiritual order like the nuns.)

The real Maria.

Luckily, the real Maria von Trapp did not seem to espouse such ideas. The real Maria didn't want to marry Georg, the captain. According to her:

"I really and truly was not in love. I liked him but didn't love him. However, I loved the children, so in a way I really married the children. . . . I learned to love him more than I have ever loved before or after." 

Sadly, no such idea exists in mainstream Islam. First, we belong to our fathers, then our husbands (as so aptly illustrated by a quote that is often mistaken as a hadith). We can help men become more spiritual (if we're the right kind of woman), but it's so difficult for us to be spiritual beings in the first place. Women are denied spiritual leadership in many, many cases, even if we have the qualifications.

 I still love The Sound of Music, but I think I'll just avoid this scene next time.

Child brides in Malaysia: Agency or abuse?

Cross-posted at Muslimah Media Watch.
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This year saw two instances of Malay Muslim girls in Malaysia, below the legal age of marriage, getting married to boys who were not so much older than them. One couple was Nor Fazira Saad (13 years old) and Mohammad Fahmi Alias (19) from Kedah, Malaysia who were married in their kampong in November. Earlier this year in July, a couple identified only as Yana (14) and Syafiq (16) from Pahang, Malaysia, were married in a grand ceremony attended by many guests -- with all of the details captured in the professionally-done wedding video (available here).

Nor Fazira and Mohammad Fahmi. Source: Asiaone

Wedding ceremony. Source: Youtube

In 2010, there were also three well-known instances of underage Malay girls being married off, but to older men. In December 2010, Siti Maryam Mahmod (14) married her teacher Abdul Manan Othman (23), in a mass wedding at a mosque in Kuala Lumpur. They met when Abdul Manan was giving religious lessons to her younger siblings, and Siti Maryam defends her decision as being fully aware her choice and had not been coerced by anyone -- she has "thought about the responsibilities and the consequences of marrying at a young age."

Abdul Manan and Siti Maryam. Source: Seniorsaloud

Earlier that year, Siti Nur Zubaidah Hussin (11) was married off as the fourth wife to Shamsuddin Che Derahman (41), a "religious sect leader". Shamsuddin had talked her parents into sending her to his religious school in another town, and convinced them to let him marry her so that she could be under his care. Her father claimed to be "not fully aware of what was happening" during the illegal wedding ceremony. Siti Nur Zubaidah then went missing for 20 days and was later found abandoned at a mosque in Kepong, in a semi-conscious state and consequently hospitalised for shock.

Around the same time, the groom had also married off his own 10 year-old daughter to his middle-aged friend, in a similar illegal ceremony (a nikah that is unregistered with the state is known in Malaysia as nikah koboi or literally, "cowboy marriage") without the presence of the bride or any witnesses.

Although all these weddings involved underage Muslim girls, the main differences between the weddings in 2010 and 2012 are the age difference between the couple and their method of marriage. Although the legal age of marriage for Muslims in Malaysia is 18 for boys and 16 for girls, underage couples may (with their parents' permission) request approval from the state syariah courts on a case-by-case basis. However, there is no minimum age limit and this approval seems to be easily given, according to government statistics of premarital HIV screening tests, which are compulsory for all Muslims just before marriage. Nor Fazira (13) and Mohammad Fahmi (19) appear to have received blessings from their parents and their state syariah courts to marry, and the latter even says that he is "responsible and ready to be a good husband".

Reading the stories of these girls, I try to understand their socio-economic circumstances. Living in a kampong (rural area), where many of their relatives and friends are also married in their teenage years, this is not something that is so out of the ordinary. Furthermore, many girls in rural areas may not continue their education past the elementary level, while boys may already have jobs in their families' farms or local businesses. With clear social roles of men expected to be the main breadwinner and women in charge of housework and childcare, financial ability and physical maturity are taken as more important factors over emotional maturity or romantic notions of childhood.

The comments on the wedding video of Yana (14) and Syafiq (16) reveal much support for them, seeing marriage is a way to avoid maksiat or sexual immorality. Nor Fazira (13) and Mohammad Fahmi's (19) wedding was precipitated by her father's suspicions that they were engaging in pre-marital sex, as Fahmi explains that it was "better for us to get married than do things forbidden by our religion" and Fazira adds that "our actions are not wrong and it's better than being involved in social problems".

On the other hand, supporters of marriages between a girl of 10 or 11 years old and a man above 40 years old simply cannot wave away the asymmetry of power in the name of avoiding sexual immorality or social problems. Ratna Osman, the executive director of Sisters in Islam, points out the issue of seeing marriage as a panacea to social problems:

“Yet once you do it under the name of marriage, she is no longer a minor? Her body has suddenly transformed into an adult body?” Ms. Ratna said. “You would be charged under the law on statutory rape but get permission from the court and suddenly it’s O.K. to have sex with a 12-year-old.”

A report by the United Nations Country Team Gender Theme Group also found other reasons for underage marriage. For example, to avoid state policing for khalwat ("proximity", or the Malaysian criminal offense of an unmarried Muslim couple being caught alone in a private or public space), coercion by elders, or pregnancy.

Despite popular support for child marriages, the former Women, Family and Community Development Minister, Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil, sees child marriage as abuse:

"A child does not have the choice or capacity to give his/her full consent, and as such child marriages must be viewed within the context of force and coercion; an act that subjects the child to physical, social and psychological trauma and abuse."

It's clear that legislation has no effect on child marriages of Muslims, and that court approval can always be sought. Even so, illegal ceremonies could still be carried out. While there are arguably some young Muslim girls who demonstrate some agency in thinking about what they want in life, our desires and actions are constructed from our surroundings. The socio-economic circumstances of the girls who are in these marriages (low education, rural area, poor) and the prevailing cultural norms (female chastity and family's name as important) are contributing factors to their decisions.

This phenomenon of child marriages also show the loopholes in the ages of consent, and how a child or adult is constructed in Malaysian society. Although we all hope and expect that laws are be formulated to protect the weakest groups in society, this is sometimes not the case. If a Muslim girl under 16 is not legally expected to be able to exercise proper judgment in signing a contract, buying tobacco, or even driving, why is marriage -- socially considered a major, life-changing decision -- suddenly appropriate?

The dichotomous framing of child marriages as either 1) blanket exploitative abuse, or 2) purely consensual and expressions of the agency of children, often obscures the complexity of the debate. While voices from civil society and the state may unequivocally view both categories of child marriages as abuse (especially due to the gendered risks of early marriage such as poverty, pregnancy complications, or the social stigma of being divorced/widowed), for some underage girls in rural areas, marriage is one of a few life options available for them and which parents sometimes make on behalf of their children.

On the other hand, when popular opinion condones the ‘Islamic’ aspect of avoiding sexual immorality and preferring to instead “pray for their happiness” (as reflected by many comments on the Youtube video), it leaves out the importance of education and financial independence for securing these girls’ futures. A campaign against child marriage needs to address the underlying causes of poverty and a lack of access to education and employment in rural areas.

A middle ground needs to be found between recognising the agency of girls living in rural areas and with limited life options, and the protection and foresighted decisions that their parents (or other legal guardians) could and should be making about their children’s futures.

Celebrating love: Gahmen Style.

Back in Singapore for a few weeks, and already having so much fun! Here's a 2013 calendar sent to me by the Social Development Network of Singapore, encouraging me to date and marry and build the "basic unit of society" -- family! (I guess they didn't get the memo that I got married just like they want me to.)

I'd like to call your attention to the pink heart-shaped candy at the bottom right-hand corner of the calendar. It seemed suspiciously like the candies placed on all cakes at Bagels and Beans, NL, that I picked at it for a good whole minute before realising it was a stack of Post-it!

Bagel & Beans cheesecake

Curiouser and curiouser, the stack of maybe 20 heart-shaped Post-its says "I've a DATE with (blank)". But only 20 dates in a year? How to get married like this leh?

Another tickling feature of the calendar is the inclusion of not only all our national holidays, but also "special dates whereby love is celebrated in other parts of the world"! Because we're emotionless, and unhappy, and we need our government to suggest to us how to celebrate and show love!

So here are the other dates, as bureaucratically suggested by SDN (no offense to those who celebrate these holidays; I'm only critiquing the specific aspects of these holidays as picked out by SDN!):

24 February: Dragobete
A traditional Romanian holiday originating from Dacian times and known as "the day when the birds are betrothed", as it is around this time that the birds begin to build their nests and mate. If the weather allows, singles pick snowdrops or other early spring plants for the person they are courting. It is a common belief that during this celebration, if you step over your partner's foot, you will have the dominant role in your relationship. 

Source: Wfriends (more fun photos of kids celebrating!)

Alamak. This description is taken almost 100% from Wikipedia! (See Dragobete). It's incredible how non-discreet the SDN is being, what with the building of nests and mating! Come on Single Singaporeans, it's time (tap tap foot)! As for the stepping on your partner's foot  (a belief only in some parts of Romania), can't you see what an unhealthy view of relationships they are promoting? What's up with that?

12 June: Dia dos Namorados. 

In Brazil, Dia dos Namorados means "Lovers Day", or "Boyfriends'/Girlfriends' Day" probably because it is the day before Saint Anthony's day, a day whereby single women perform rituals to find a good husband or boyfriend. On this Lovers' Day, couples exchange gifts, chocolates, cards and flower bouquets.

Source: Portugueseblog.org

Also taken off the Brazil section on Valentine's Day! Again, putting the onus on single women to find a good male partner -- fits in well with the heteronormative ideas of family in Singapore (only married couples can get money for having babies!) as well as simmering contemporary patriarchal ideas (women depend on men, reason for fewer marriages are career-minded women).

3 October: Sweetest Day
Friends, family and lovers often give each other candy, flowers and cards on this day; and like Valentine's Day, it is associated with heart-shaped boxes, and the colours pink and red.

Source: Wikipedia

When something is from the US, it's conveniently taken to be universal. But even in the US, this holiday is only celebrated in the Mid-west, and specifically in Chicago. Actually, I think that considering the commercial and materialist origins of this holiday, having been called a "concocted promotion" created by the candy industry solely to increase sales of sweets, this is probably suitable for us Singaporeans.

The date isn't even right -- it's usually celebrated on the third Saturday of each October!

11 November: Pepero Day
Koreans celebrate Pepero Day on November 11, when young couples give each other Pepero cookies to tell their special someone that they are the only 'one' in their heart. The date '11/11' resembles the long shape of the cookie. Some singles also choose to say goodbye to singlehood on this day by attending 'blind date' parties or marrying on this day.

Source: Coreaporsiempre

This is actually pretty cute. And definitely boosting the sales of these long and thin cookies! But okay, we get the idea -- singles have to stop being single. ASAP. (On a side note, I do like these ambiguous representations of Pepero Day!)

Oh SDN, whatever will you come up with next? Pay us to date? Oh, wait.