Tips to Keep Your Husband Happy

I'm back! And I haven't seen such a misogynist, egotistical and male-serving piece of marriage advice in such a long time. I can't make this crazy oppressive stuff up (original Malay text below, from here).

1. When your husband is speaking, keep quiet and listen to him, and don't interrupt or cut him off. Ever heard of conversation? 
2. When your husband is angry,  keep quiet and don't answer back. If you like to answer back, make your point or strengthen your argument, you will make your husband even angrier. Don't be surprised if your husband leaves the house for days, or doesn't want to talk to you as a form of penalty for your wifely stubbornness. Oh but I am surprised! However, if he comes home don't continue or repeat the old issues. Welcome him with a loving smile and immediately ask for forgiveness. I think if or when he comes home it's my turn to leave. Don't wait for a husband to apologise to a wife, because this kills his ego as a man. That's the point of apology though, right?
3. Sometimes a husband likes to tease his wife on purpose. If he hurts your feelings you have to be patient, and don't sulk. But if you hurt his feelings the sky is falling! See #1. Sulking is an immature and childish reaction. Let us observe the behaviour of children, they will quickly shout if something is wrong, especially if it's their own mother telling them off. They will stamp their feet and shout their lungs out to get sympathy from their mother. Um, I'm not sure how this is such a great analogy. 
4. If his nails, moustache or beard is long then don't hesitate to cut it (if the beard is longer than a fistful). You mean, ask him to cut it, right? Do I have to cut it myself? They don't call it 'personal hygiene' for nothing. I thought we weren't supposed to be like children? See #3. Choose the best days like Monday, Thursday and Friday.
5. If he wants something then the wife should quickly respond. Get up immediately when he calls you. Don't delay his demands so that you will not make him angry or hurt. Are we in bootcamp or what? 
6. You should cook according to your husband's preferences, not your own. If he likes to eat curry or really spicy coconut curry, then don't cook sweet and sour fish or fried fish. How about really spicy fried fish curry? That's called compromise. He will be happy when his appetite is satisfied. Don't take it out on the fish by smashing it as a way to take out your anger on your husband, who wants food cooked his way while you don't like these dishes. I told you I couldn't make this up.
7. If his clothes are torn or has a missing button, quickly fix it. Sew it as beautifully as you can so that the clothing looks neat and pretty. Don't take this lightheartedly because the stitching symbolises a wife's personality and intention - whether she was sincere or forced herself. Even sewing has symbolic significance now? I thought it symbolised a withdrawal from the capitalist economy and the support of sweatshops in China and Bangladesh. All husbands would be proud if their clothes were sewn by hand by the delicate fingers of his wife. At least this can help save on household costs. I'd save more money if he had less clothes. Or if he didn't live in this house!

--
Petua Melayan Suami

1. Semasa suami bercakap hendaklah isteri diam mendengarnya dan jangan suka menyampuk atau memotong cakapnya.

2. Bila suami marah hendaklah isteri mendiamkan diri,jangan suka menjawab. Sikap suka menjawab, bertekak dan... menegakkan kebenaran sendiri akan menambahkan lagi kemarahan suami. Jangan terkejut jika suami angkat kaki meninggalkan rumah berhari-hari atau tidak mahu bertegur sapa dengan anda sebagai denda di atas kedegilan anda sebagai isteri. Sebaliknya, kalau suami kembali ke rumah jangan disambung atau diulang-ulangi cerita lama. Sambutlah suami dengan senyuman kasih sayang dan bersegeralah meminta maaf. Jangan kita tunggu suami meminta maaf dengan isteri, jatuhlah martabat keegoannya selaku seorang lelaki.

3. Kadang-kadang si suami sengaja suka mengusik isterinya. Bila dia menyakiti hati isteri hendaklah banyak bersabar, jangan cepat merajuk. Merajuk adalah sifat orang yang tidak matang dan seperti perangai keanak-anakan. Cuba kita perhatikan perangai kanak-kanak, mereka akan cepat menjerit bila ada sesuatu yang tidak kena tambahan pula kalau yang menegurnya itu ibunya sendiri. Sengaja dihentak-hentakkan kaki meraung sekuat hati meminta simpati dari ibunya.

4. Bila kuku, misai dan janggutnya panjang hendaklah segera dipotongkan (jika panjang janggutnya lebih dari segenggam). Pilihlah hari-hari yang terbaik iaitu hari Isnin, Khamis dan Jumaat.

5. Jika dia berhajat sesuatu hendaklah isteri cepat bertindak. Bangun segera bila disuruh. Jangan melengah-lengahkan kemahuannya supaya tidak mencetuskan kemarahan atau rasa tersinggung di hatinya. Jangan isteri buat acuh tak acuh, hatinya akan kecewa dan menandakan isteri sudah tidak taat padanya.

6. Hendaklah memasak mengikut kesukaan suami bukannya ikut selera isteri. Kalau suami suka makan gulai kari atau masak lemak cili api, janganlah kita masak lauk asam pedas atau ikan goreng. Suami akan gembira bila seleranya ditepati. Janganlah pula ikan yang menjadi mangsa, diketuk lengkang-lengkung hingga hancur kerana meradangkan sikap suami yang mahu lauk tersebut dimasak mengikut seleranya sedangkan isteri tidak menggemarinya.

7. Apabila pakaian suami koyak atau tercabut butangnya hendaklah segera dijahit. Jahitlah dengan secantik yang boleh supaya pakaian itu kelihatan kemas dan cantik. Jangan dibuat sambil lewa kerana jahitan tersebut akan melambangkan peribadi isteri samada ikhlas atau terpaksa. Semua suami akan berasa bangga jika pakaiannya dijahit sendiri oleh jari-jemari halus isterinya, sekurang-kurangnya dapat menampung ekonomi rumahtangga.

What are you imitating?

I've been trawling through a lot of Islamic cartoons lately, as research for an article I wrote some time ago on the gendered messages in them. I found this cute little gem:

Panel 1 of this cartoon reminded me of a religious class I once attended, based on a book by Imam Nawawi called 'Al-Maqasid'. Because the word maqasid had been translated to as 'what was necessary to know', I thought I would be learning about the Quranic fundamentals of Islam (I was just getting into studying sources and original references then). Silly me.

Putting aside frustrating moments of insisting that the female students in the class should be allowed to read out loud from the book, I still remember fondly the class where chapter on taharah, or purity, was discussed.

The teacher (kept anonymous, obviously!) pointed out a recommendation from the book for us to take wudu' just after waking up. Similar to this cute little cartoon above, right? I asked him if there was any reason given for doing so. I was expecting some practical reason about how we were going to pray fajr anyway or a spiritual reason like refreshing ourselves, so imagine my shock when he recounted to me this instead:

"I read in some narrations that, upon hearing the words of the Prophet: "If one of you awaken from sleep, then he should not dip his hand in a container unless he washes his hand because he does not know where it was while he was sleeping," an innovator said: "I know where my hands went while in bed, so I do not have to fulfill this command!" 

Consequently, upon waking up the next morning, his hand - up to the forearm - was found inserted into his anus." ['Bustan al-'Arifin' by an-Nawawi; p. 94]

The reason for morning ablution was because some guy a long time ago woke up with his hand in his anus? If there was ever a mockery of religious education, this would pretty much win hands down, I think. While sitting in that class, I was thinking: these are the valuable gems he learned from scholars in Yemen?

[Digression: Interestingly enough, the source to the story above is one of many other stories used to illustrate the bad things that will happen to you if you don't blindly follow what the Prophet (supposedly) said. Which brings us to Panel 3 below.]

Panel 2 reminded me of an issue that I wrote about elsewhere, on (mis)using the verses of the Quran as a magical protective spell, instead of unleashing the magic of human potential when we actually strive towards Quranic ideals of social justice.

Panel 3 led me to think of the many discussions I've had about what exactly it is about the Prophet that we follow. Another teacher in some other class I used to attend used to say that he used miswak everyday (not sure if it was a replacement for or an alternative to his modern Western plastic toothbrush) and he would not feel confident about leaving the house if he didn't.

At seminars I used to see Malay men who had gone to study in Egypt, Jordan, Syria, Saudi Arabia, and upon coming back would start wearing triangular turbans, eyeliner, and thobes with various kinds of shawls over their shoulder -- the reason being that the Prophet dressed like this. And if we dress like this, or eat like him with 3 fingers, or sleep on-the-right-side-with-hand-under-cheek we'll get points!

I find it hard to understand how imitating the Prophet's daily habits = following his way of life. Surely it's to be compassionate to the old and the young (and even carry children during prayer!), to listen to all his followers, to be humble and not extravagant whether in consumption or in demeanour, to be kind to all his neighbours Muslim and non-Muslim -- in short, to live by the ideals set out in the Quran, the word of God.

Anyone seen any cartoons addressing these ideals instead?

Gendered expectations in Facebook dakwah cartoons

I have noticed a trend on Facebook of pages created and maintained by male ustaz in the Malay-speaking communities of Singapore, Malaysia and Indonesia. Cahayaislam ("Light of Islam") and Lukisan Dakwah Islam ("Islamic Drawings for Da'wah") two pages are the most intriguing for me for two reasons: because they create and share cartoons that are drawn in the style of manga, which is popularly associated with comic books cheaply available to children and youth; and because they circumvent the rule in orthodox Islam against representations of the human form in art.

It seems that this abovementioned rule can be exempted if they have noble purposes, such as spreading messages about Islam or being a good Muslim. The popularity of these pages show that this interpretation is acceptable. These pages have a large following; the number of 'likes' total in the tens of thousands. Many of the cartoons posted on the site receive many positive comments and are shared thousands of times. Thus, it seems to be a fair representation of the dominant ideas about what is considered "Islamic" by the Malay-speaking community.

Firstly, an "Aisyah" is put forward as a mascot of the Cahayaislam community. This raises the tired question of when will women belong only to God and themselves, and not carry the weight of a community, nation, or religion on their shoulders? Too often I used to hear from religious teachers that the reason for hijab was expressly for the purposes of being a symbol of Islam, and not necessarily as an act of submission to God. This symbolism is often only visual, women are not exhorted to be symbols of social change through positive or meaningful actions.

But the main difference was the implicit messages for the young Muslim woman and the young Muslim man. Looking over the various Cahayaislam cartoons depicting a young man, I could conclude that a young Muslim man should love God and love the Prophet Muhammad, pray, repent, seek spiritual success, and help those around him. In other words, he should embody the main tenets of Islam and many of the virtues that the Quran teaches us to strive towards. Lukisan Dakwah Islam also focuses on prayer (even linking it to being a macho man!), brotherly love and knowledge of Allah as our Creator. Noble da'wah work, right?

However, young women get a different message. As a little girl, being good means to pray-fast-and-obey-God-and-her-parents-and-later-her-husband. When she is older, she is shy and modest, because it is part of a woman's attractiveness. She never forgets to follow the four rules of covering her aurat: don't show your skin colour, don't show the shape of your body, don't attract attention, don't use perfume (I guess there wasn't enough space to include intellect and personality).

A good Muslim woman should love God and do good deeds! But piety is only to be a source of happiness to someone (insert any male authority figure here), and her status is at par with other pleasant things such as a large house, good neighbours, and a comfortable vehicle (which of these material possessions do not belong?). Being a pious wife should be her lifelong ambition. Clearly, the scope of a woman's ambition is woeful compared to what men can be. Likewise, cartoons from Lukisan Dakwah Islam focus on her dress code (here, here, here, the list goes on!) and acts of worship as a wife. (Horrifyingly also reminding women that they'll easily end up in Hell.)

Another well-shared photo from this page are tips on how to raise boy and girl children, differentiating between their potentials. Besides the expected gendered differences on how boys should learn 'masculine' skills like fixing engines and electrical items while girls should learn 'feminine' skills such as housework, I was appalled to read that boys should do volunteer work and obtain passports to travel for their studies or just 'for the experience', while girls should know only what is related to reproduction and every sort of bleeding that they could possibly have in their lifetime.

Wherever these ideas were coming from, they are definitely being absorbed into the consciousness of today's Muslims.

I found these cartoons worth highlighting because as mentioned before, cartoons make it easier to transmit certain messages. Cahayaislam and Lukisan Dakwah Islam have a following of mostly young adults, this is reflected by their method of da'wah (Facebook) and content (visual, colourful, manga-style). I find most of the gendered messages to be highly unrealistic, because of the historically more egalitarian gender relations in this geographical region even after the coming of Islam. Before the regional Islamic revival of the 1980s, Muslims did not make a big deal about women working, travelling, or covering their hair. Perhaps these cartoons are indicating a growing trend towards a more conservative brand of Islam.

Nevertheless, there was one cartoon that definitely reflected reality. Just like in real life, even the bodies of cartoon Muslimahs are policed if she does not cover her aurat properly. The following photo was uploaded as a colouring contest, but other Facebook users soon pointed out the fact that her (cartoon) feet were also a private part and should have been covered with socks!


Even though these cartoons are a new way of reaching out to Muslim youth, the messages they send are definitely not revolutionary, but instead, conventional and highly gendered. As Malay society evolves and absorbs norms and customs from other cultures (especially from the Middle East, as these are deemed superior), the common denominator seems to be conservatism and a rigid differentiation between women and men.

I find this worryingly problematic because of how easily these messages could be absorbed by today’s young Muslim women and men. They are living in secular, developing countries where women study, work, and appear in public alongside men and will probably to continue to do so for economic reasons. But in the name of religion, young women are receiving messages that limit their potentials, while young men are receiving messages that reinforce their privileges.

What is the future of Malay Muslim society going to look like?