Tips to Keep Your Husband Happy

I'm back! And I haven't seen such a misogynist, egotistical and male-serving piece of marriage advice in such a long time. I can't make this crazy oppressive stuff up (original Malay text below, from here).

1. When your husband is speaking, keep quiet and listen to him, and don't interrupt or cut him off. Ever heard of conversation? 
2. When your husband is angry,  keep quiet and don't answer back. If you like to answer back, make your point or strengthen your argument, you will make your husband even angrier. Don't be surprised if your husband leaves the house for days, or doesn't want to talk to you as a form of penalty for your wifely stubbornness. Oh but I am surprised! However, if he comes home don't continue or repeat the old issues. Welcome him with a loving smile and immediately ask for forgiveness. I think if or when he comes home it's my turn to leave. Don't wait for a husband to apologise to a wife, because this kills his ego as a man. That's the point of apology though, right?
3. Sometimes a husband likes to tease his wife on purpose. If he hurts your feelings you have to be patient, and don't sulk. But if you hurt his feelings the sky is falling! See #1. Sulking is an immature and childish reaction. Let us observe the behaviour of children, they will quickly shout if something is wrong, especially if it's their own mother telling them off. They will stamp their feet and shout their lungs out to get sympathy from their mother. Um, I'm not sure how this is such a great analogy. 
4. If his nails, moustache or beard is long then don't hesitate to cut it (if the beard is longer than a fistful). You mean, ask him to cut it, right? Do I have to cut it myself? They don't call it 'personal hygiene' for nothing. I thought we weren't supposed to be like children? See #3. Choose the best days like Monday, Thursday and Friday.
5. If he wants something then the wife should quickly respond. Get up immediately when he calls you. Don't delay his demands so that you will not make him angry or hurt. Are we in bootcamp or what? 
6. You should cook according to your husband's preferences, not your own. If he likes to eat curry or really spicy coconut curry, then don't cook sweet and sour fish or fried fish. How about really spicy fried fish curry? That's called compromise. He will be happy when his appetite is satisfied. Don't take it out on the fish by smashing it as a way to take out your anger on your husband, who wants food cooked his way while you don't like these dishes. I told you I couldn't make this up.
7. If his clothes are torn or has a missing button, quickly fix it. Sew it as beautifully as you can so that the clothing looks neat and pretty. Don't take this lightheartedly because the stitching symbolises a wife's personality and intention - whether she was sincere or forced herself. Even sewing has symbolic significance now? I thought it symbolised a withdrawal from the capitalist economy and the support of sweatshops in China and Bangladesh. All husbands would be proud if their clothes were sewn by hand by the delicate fingers of his wife. At least this can help save on household costs. I'd save more money if he had less clothes. Or if he didn't live in this house!

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Petua Melayan Suami

1. Semasa suami bercakap hendaklah isteri diam mendengarnya dan jangan suka menyampuk atau memotong cakapnya.

2. Bila suami marah hendaklah isteri mendiamkan diri,jangan suka menjawab. Sikap suka menjawab, bertekak dan... menegakkan kebenaran sendiri akan menambahkan lagi kemarahan suami. Jangan terkejut jika suami angkat kaki meninggalkan rumah berhari-hari atau tidak mahu bertegur sapa dengan anda sebagai denda di atas kedegilan anda sebagai isteri. Sebaliknya, kalau suami kembali ke rumah jangan disambung atau diulang-ulangi cerita lama. Sambutlah suami dengan senyuman kasih sayang dan bersegeralah meminta maaf. Jangan kita tunggu suami meminta maaf dengan isteri, jatuhlah martabat keegoannya selaku seorang lelaki.

3. Kadang-kadang si suami sengaja suka mengusik isterinya. Bila dia menyakiti hati isteri hendaklah banyak bersabar, jangan cepat merajuk. Merajuk adalah sifat orang yang tidak matang dan seperti perangai keanak-anakan. Cuba kita perhatikan perangai kanak-kanak, mereka akan cepat menjerit bila ada sesuatu yang tidak kena tambahan pula kalau yang menegurnya itu ibunya sendiri. Sengaja dihentak-hentakkan kaki meraung sekuat hati meminta simpati dari ibunya.

4. Bila kuku, misai dan janggutnya panjang hendaklah segera dipotongkan (jika panjang janggutnya lebih dari segenggam). Pilihlah hari-hari yang terbaik iaitu hari Isnin, Khamis dan Jumaat.

5. Jika dia berhajat sesuatu hendaklah isteri cepat bertindak. Bangun segera bila disuruh. Jangan melengah-lengahkan kemahuannya supaya tidak mencetuskan kemarahan atau rasa tersinggung di hatinya. Jangan isteri buat acuh tak acuh, hatinya akan kecewa dan menandakan isteri sudah tidak taat padanya.

6. Hendaklah memasak mengikut kesukaan suami bukannya ikut selera isteri. Kalau suami suka makan gulai kari atau masak lemak cili api, janganlah kita masak lauk asam pedas atau ikan goreng. Suami akan gembira bila seleranya ditepati. Janganlah pula ikan yang menjadi mangsa, diketuk lengkang-lengkung hingga hancur kerana meradangkan sikap suami yang mahu lauk tersebut dimasak mengikut seleranya sedangkan isteri tidak menggemarinya.

7. Apabila pakaian suami koyak atau tercabut butangnya hendaklah segera dijahit. Jahitlah dengan secantik yang boleh supaya pakaian itu kelihatan kemas dan cantik. Jangan dibuat sambil lewa kerana jahitan tersebut akan melambangkan peribadi isteri samada ikhlas atau terpaksa. Semua suami akan berasa bangga jika pakaiannya dijahit sendiri oleh jari-jemari halus isterinya, sekurang-kurangnya dapat menampung ekonomi rumahtangga.